The Relationship Expert
Licensed Psychologist in Arroyo Grande & Los Osos
If you, as a couple, are struggling with sex in your marriage, you’re not alone. One of the biggest causes of fights in marriages is sex. I’ve helped many couples overcome problems they are experiencing so they can have a happier and healthier love life.
It can be challenging to take the first step to reach out to a counselor …especially since the ideal of a perfect sexual relationship has been so heavily emphasized in our culture.
Can you imagine a Hollywood movie in which a romance scene goes awry? The lighting is perfect. The music is beautiful. The leading man starts to pursue the woman, but he is coming on too strong. The woman starts to feel pressured and begs off, saying she feels tired. The man tries to be gallant, saying that its fine, but she can tell he’s angry. Ultimately, they descend into a fight. The woman goes to bed alone, and the man leaves to surf the internet. This movie probably won’t be the next summer blockbuster.
How Can Counseling Help Improve Your Sex Life?
In real life, it is quite a delicate thing for both partners to be at the same place mentally and emotionally. It is also perfectly normal for spouses to be mismatched when it comes to sexual desire. I’ve worked with men and women who have a high level of desire and men and women who have a low level of desire. If not approached in the right way, these different expectations can lead to disappointment and alienation. In a lot of cases, the pursuing spouse fears another rejection, and stops pursuing altogether.
Sometimes, when spouses notice their sexual desire erode, there is something else that needs attention. There may be a lack of trust, a sense of fearfulness, or unresolved issues in the relationship. If one spouse struggles with pornography, the other may feel hurt and betrayed by the act.
Even an unkind word can have far-reaching effects. It may seem counterintuitive that, for example, a comment a wife said two days ago about their finances would have any impact on her husband’s desire to have sex tonight. Nevertheless, he’s complaining of a headache and feels closed off to her.
For many clients, a lack of sexual intimacy is really a symptom of something else. Sometimes the underlying problem can be resolved quickly. On the other hand, if it is something that the couple has been sweeping under the rug for years, it may take more patience.
In our counseling sessions, we will also build specific strategies. If you are the high-desire spouse, we’ll develop some ways you can court your low-desire spouse in a way that is loving to them. Likewise, if you’re the low-desire spouse, we’ll patiently work with you to help you overcome some of the roadblocks to intimacy.
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“Dr. Lisa was by far the easiest person I have ever spoken with. She makes you feel extremely comfortable, and she doesn’t pressure or judge you in any way!…Dr. Lisa, thank you for being there…” Read more…